The effects of the vibration of a 3 year (2019 - from 11+1) is in full swing!
I have been hesitating all week as to whether I would share this with you all as I do not want to fuel my latest challenge with any drama, but by NOT sharing I sense I am already fuelling it with inner drama! Lol!
“… to shift the focus means that we become fluid enough to flow with the dictates of power, instead of wanting to dig in our heels and prove ourselves right. But most important of all, shifting the focus in this way means that we become willing to let go of our perception so as to embrace the “unknown. Without that shift of focus we remain for ever stuck within our own perception, and therefore we remain caught within what is, to all intents and purposes, our own self-limiting and self-debilitating definition of the known."
I share now as I am the first person to say when the stress in our lives starts to escalate, we need to balance it out with more support. To reach out. To lean in. As a big not-doing for me :-) , this is my first port of call these days when I feel the stress levels rise. And so it has been with this challenge this past week.
Part of me thinks I am immortal! Lol! This time last year I found out my body wasn’t! And so began my 2018 journey of shifting the focus to NOT taking this amazing body, this magnificent feat of engineering, for granted. It has served me so well in so many ways, notwithstanding the decades of punishment I have meted out to it.
The second reason I share is that in my continuous NEED to shift the focus from the drama, in my ongoing explorations of this challenge, I realised I need(ed) to tackle my (irrational) fear of being judged. This is one of the gems that have come out of this challenge so far. That in OUR world where we look for the CAUSES of our behaviours and our various maladies, there is ofttimes a subliminal process of judging, blame and guilt trips that transpires. And of course, this is then our own guilt, blame and judging of ourselves that we see and call forth.
So I am watching my Inner Critic like a hawk! Lol! Taking away its power by sending it to the back of the moon in a tightly sealed jar! Lol! Shifting the focus to loving and caring. I have had good practice this past year, as was confirmed to me by the clean bill of health sought and confirmed to me by various external therapists in the past three weeks.
The current challenge? Ten days ago I was on the receiving end of those dreaded words “you have cancer” - a diagnosis of skin cancer (face and leg) - and advised that further surgical procedures were recommended to ensure all cancer is removed from my body in the two areas diagnosed :-(
The area on my cheek has been the subject of continuous questioning since I first saw it in August in Varna, but no close ones in the ensuing weeks could shed any light on it. I had months ago booked an appointment with my dermatologist – an annual appointment – on my return to SA. I see her on the 10th December. However, when I arrived back in SA I did not want to delay anymore.
The dermatologist I went to removed the lesion on my cheek as well as one he found on my leg, and he sent off both lesions to a lab for further diagnosis. This took 4 days. I wasn’t duly concerned about it. Last Tuesday I was on a Skype call with A when the dermatologist called to say he wanted to “discuss the results” with me. Uh oh! Not an email or text message to say, “no problem”.
As he started to “discuss” the results the signal kept on breaking up. All I heard was the word “carcinoma” and with that I said I would call back on the landline. I called immediately - only to be told he was now in with a patient and would call me back in due course!
The next 45 minutes were nerve wracking to say the least!
During the ensuing call wherein, the detail emerged along with the proposed surgical plan going forward, I bought myself some time by sharing that all results needed to be emailed to my own dermatologist and after the 10th I will decide on further surgery from there. The doctor says he knows my practitioner and doesn’t believe she can do the necessary procedures there. I feel my anger growing and blurt out that I don’t have a medical aid to which the reply comes “Come and see us and we can arrange a price!”
Now my anger is in full swing - but as my ND at the Wellness Centre where I was recharging my batteries shared the next morning, “If all you have been taught to do is cut, then cutting will be your first solution.”:-(
When I saw my masseuse that next day, she wanted to know what had happened overnight as all the knots she had removed from my back and shoulders over the previous week had suddenly reappeared!! So whilst I knew I had already shifted the focus from panic from an awareness point of view, my body was telling me another story.
Since then I now I repeatedly sit quietly, grounding myself, returning to Self - and observing what parts of my little self are active at any moment, with what parts am I identifying? I then spend some time “un-blending“ from them.
My inner critic is the first part from which I detach. Where is the logic in now judging myself for calling forth this challenge, like I have done something wrong? Insane! My fear is also something I am aware of continuously. Whilst I know how to tackle my fear by shifting the focus to the creation of an illusion of dying, the distance between the reality and the illusion is now tricky.
My stepdaughter is currently running a blog called #Benjisbucketlist for her 17/18 years old spaniel who has been diagnosed with a virulent form of cancer. He is blissfully unaware of it and is capitalising on getting his every need met, on demand, lol!, as well as free range chicken and cooked veges and being constantly smothered with cuddles!! With this goes C’s hashtag of #fuckcancer.
I choose not to go this route and haven’t yet dared to share with C MY diagnosis. Although I DO like free range chicken and cuddles! Lol!
The route I choose to take is #lovecancer - not #fuckcancer.
I am already learning so much from this diagnosis – and reaching out and sharing here is a big step forward for me, as is shifting the focus to “what am I learning?”, minute to minute, as an act of survival.
In the meantime, with A’s support, I continue with my coMra treatments and am loving being back at my 40-degree Celsius Bikram yoga classes, even though I passed clean out in the cancer treating ozone therapy box (35deg) just a few days ago! Lol!
My healer/chiro, M, says “not to panic” about the diagnosis. I said “I am not panicking, but I DO want to ensure I am not in denial:” J
As Maya Angelou shares:-
“I come as one,
I stand as 10 000.”